Dear Toy Companies,

Please stop raping my childhood. I mean, I guess I'm glad that you found a new audience for the new age-y, kindness, goodness, etc to preach too. However, I have some complaints.

First, My Little Ponies. What did you do? I mean seriously, are there pony steroids? I mean, your heads are HUGE and not proportionate to your bodies at all anymore! The boys! Don't get me started about the boys! Where did they go? Do baby ponies now just spontaneously appear? No daddy ponies? I LOVED the daddy ponies with their furry hooves. And the fairy ponies with their flimsy, plastic butterfly wings.

Care Bears. Again, what the hell with the huge heads? Where is the scary, terrifying movie about a huge carnival and a boy playing with black magic they have to save?

In fact, where is the scary period? I HAD NIGHTMARES, IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT THEY DO TOO.

I don't even want to touch what you've done to Sesame Street and Rainbow Bright and Strawberry Shortcake.

I mean really. Why would you do this to me? Why would you bring back awesome things from my childhood and then RUIN them and cute them up and take away the lessons that need scary things to learn them? And cookies, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY THE COOKIES? IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT EATING PROPERLY IT IS YOUR JOB TO TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT COOKIES. IT'S UP TO THEIR IDIOTIC PARENTS (who all grew up watching the same TV I did mostly which is just SAD) TO TEACH THEM THESE THINGS.

Ahem.

Sincerely yours,

Melissa